The NBA Playoffs are underway, but home court advantage no longer exists. Because corona.
As far as we’re concerned, we’re living in a dystopian future where cities just don’t exist anymore.
But… it matters to me!!! Therefore, I’m gonna rank these shits. Not ranking these NBA teams, mind you. I’m ranking these NBA teams’ cities, as a whole.
I haven’t been to every city on this list. But I will do my best to pull an opinion out of my ass, no matter the cost.
So. Here we go.
The definitive ranking of every city of the teams left in the NBA Playoffs.
15. Indianapolis, Indiana (Pacers)
First of all, I don’t know anything about Indianapolis, so everything that I’ve Googled will be in quotes below.
My first thought was, “Indianapolis is probably pretty close to Chicago, right?” Well…
Indianapolis is 3 hours southeast of Chicago.
OK, if one of the more interesting things about your city is that it’s pretty close to a larger, cooler city? That means your city isn’t very cool.
So, how big is Indianapolis?
The 2019 estimate was 876,384, which ranks 17th in the United States.
17th. That’s the most boring number possible. It just isn’t interesting in either direction. A bit higher than 17? That’s interesting! A bit lower than 17? Hmm, that’s lower than I was expecting! But 17? I don’t even know what to say. I’m falling asleep.
And one last thing before I go: I’m a damn good good speller. I’m not humble about it, either. But Indianapolis is really hard to spell. Every time I type it in a sentence, it’s like my brain goes to a screeching halt while I decipher if I have to type another a or another i.
And you know why that is? It’s because the first 7 letters of Indianapolis are easy-- Indiana. But that’s not how you pronounce Indianapolis, is it? Indiana rolls off the tongue. I think of Harrison Ford every time I say it. When you say Indianapolis, you pronounce the Indiana part differently than before. Go ahead, try it!
Anyway, it sucks. Probably.
14. Salt Lake City, Utah (Jazz)
I have been to Salt Lake City once. I’ll keep this pretty short:
This place is weird about drinking alcohol.
Restaurants have to apply for a license to serve liquor, wine, and “heavy” beer above 4% ABV.
Because of this, most restaurants only sell beer that has less than 4% ABV (translation: they serve gas station beer)
And, some restaurants still have this thing called a “Zion Curtain,” which is a law that requires the bartender to hide behind a wall while they prepared your beverage, so that you can’t see them. The law no longer exists, but many restaurants still use them.
When I was there, I went to one restaurant, and it was a HUGE deal that they had IPA beer on their menu. They were treating IPAs like moonshine.
I’m sure I could do more research on this topic, but I’m not going to!
The reason that it’s ranked higher than Indianapolis: It’s undeniably pretty!
13. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (Thunder)
I live here!
Honestly, most people would probably rank this city dead last. And I wouldn’t have much of an argument to dispute that! (I just Googled “What is special about Oklahoma City?” to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything.)
There’s probably more stuff to do in Indianapolis. And in Salt Lake City, there’s at least plenty of outdoorsy shit to entertain yourself with (if you’re into that).
But what is one thing that I know Oklahoma City has, that those other ones don’t?
That’s easy.
Oklahoma City has a little restaurant called Gun Izakaya.
Gun Izakaya (pronounced ee-za-ky-ya) is a cozy, dimly lit Japanese pub located in the hip and trendy Paseo Disrict. They serve small-portioned Japanese street food, and encourage you to order multiple small plates to share with the table (this place really thrives with larger parties). And whenever a plate is ready to eat, they bring it right to you rather than waiting around for the rest of the food.
The menu ranges from comfort food like spicy fried chicken and buttermilk chicken sandos (mini-sandwiches), to more ambitious choices like chicken skin skewers or pork & crab Shumai. They even have a machine that serves up Japanese Highballs (Japenese whisky and flavored soda water), and let me just say, these highballs get me on my LEVEL.
Unfortunately, because corona!!!, Gun has decided to close its doors and merge with a local ramen shop (owned by the same company), Goro Ramen. They’ll still sell some items from the original menu, but the experience will almost surely never be the same.
That being said, the experiences that I shared at this restaurant on 3 separate occasions is MORE THAN enough to bump Oklahoma City to #13 on the list.
12. Milwaukee, Wisconsin (Bucks)
I’ve been here too! Kinda!
In 2011, I went on a Chicago trip with my Aunt Cheryl. We went to a Cubs game, a White Sox game, and did various touristy shit in the city (much like Indianapolis, I’m already talking about Chicago instead…).
But one day, we decided to make the 1.5 hour drive north to see a Milwaukee Brewers game.
The drive was uneventful. Lots of trees.
The drive into downtown Milwaukee was uneventful. It looked like a medium/small sized city off the east side of the highway, with the ballpark located off to the west side.
The Brewers game was uneventful. The most interesting thing that happened was- we missed the first inning of the game because I had to pee really bad. When we got to our seats, there had been at least 2 runs scored in that first inning. For the following 8 innings, not a single run was scored.
The drive back to Chicago was uneventful. It was dark.
So… I don’t really have anything positive or negative to say about my Milwaukee experience! I think their identity is beer? Which is… cool? I guess?
11. Houston, Texas (Rockets)
I’ve been to Houston a lot in my life. My mom grew up there. My grandma lived there for most of her life. One of my uncles and his 2 kids still live there.
But here’s the thing: I don’t like Houston!
It’s really humid! There are hella mosquitos! It has the worst traffic I’ve ever seen in my life! (and I’ve driven in Dallas and LA)
And it goes without saying: where I grew up (just north of Dallas), we don’t like Houston very much! San Antonio? That’s fine. Austin? Pretty fun! But Houston? No….. no, no, no…. no.
But I can’t be totally biased. There’s a lot to do in Houston. Like…… go to the Space Center! Or……. go to the Galleria! Or……. raise a family?
I don’t know. Honestly, Houston isn’t that bad. If it were up to me, this place would be dead last. But if someone held a gun to my head and said: You need to have the time of your life tonight, are you picking Houston? Or Indianapolis? I’m probably picking Houston.
10. Orlando, Florida (Magic)
Yes, of course I’ve been to Orlando. Yes, of course it was for Disney World and Universal Studios. Yes, of course that’s the only reason it’s ranked this high.
So, when you see Orlando at #10, keep in mind that I’m not really ranking Orlando at #10. I’m ranking The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at #10. Fuck yea!
9. Denver, Colorado (Nuggets)
I went to Denver when I was probably… 6 years old? I have an uncle who has lived there forever.
We drove up Pike’s Peak, went to a Rockies’ game, and… um… I think that’s it?
In the year 2020: if you’re looking to smoke (or buy) kush… you can get that basically anywhere. And if you’re looking to go skiing… wouldn’t you visit somewhere outside of Denver?
So what’s really the appeal of Denver anymore? Instagram pics?
Anyway, I don’t really have any strong feelings towards Denver one way or the other. It’s fine!
8. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (76ers)
I’ve been here too. A running trend: I went to a Phillies baseball game! It’s actually a pretty nice stadium!
Other than that, much like Houston, it’s hard for me to not have a negative bias towards this place. Dallas Cowboys fans hate the Philadelphia Eagles so much, it’s hard to disassociate the city with their football team.
That being said, the obvious appeal here is the history, if you care about that. I don’t particularly care about a cracked bell, but I’m sure someone does!
My only true memory of Philadelphia is: taking a tour bus around the city to see the historical sites. It was really cloudy that day, and the city looks pretty dirty in general. So the entire time, I felt like I was in a crime movie. It was… kinda cool?
I don’t have much else to say about it. Would I go back if the opportunity presented itself? Yea, probably!
7. Dallas, Texas (Mavericks)
I grew up in Dallas, or rather, a Dallas suburb.
Dallas is fine! It’s kind of like Houston: lots of traffic, lots of Republicans, and you have to drive 45 minutes to get anywhere.
Key difference, though: less mosquitoes! Therefore, Dallas gets bumped up at least 4 spots. Fuck mosquitoes.
6. Portland, Oregon (Trail Blazers)
As a 27 year-old who attended college between 2011-2015, I can safely say: I was the perfect age for Portlandia back when Portlandia was good.
Before that show? I didn’t really know anything about Portland. It looks rainy, cloudy, and kinda sad. It’s full of hipsters and donuts and bicycles and IPAs. Hmm, this sounds like Tulsa! (according to my cousin, Portland is like a less-cold Vancouver).
I think my favorite Portlandia skit happened in Season 2, episode 1, when Kumail Nanjiani tries to lobsterize Fred and Carrie’s meal, and convince them to order Craig’s Crazy Guac Tacs.
Portland seems cool!
5. Boston, Massachusetts (Celtics)
Much like Philadelphia, Boston is a racist American city with impeccable history!
So why does it crack the top five? Hmm… you know, I really like a good harbor. Boats are cool to me. Not like, hillbilly lake boats. But a harbor. Let’s take a ferry somewhere. Let’s eat a lobster roll. Let’s goooo.
Also, it goes without saying at this point, but Fenway Park is really cool.
Oh, and The Departed! Hell yeah!
4. Miami, Florida (Heat)
I’ve never been to Miami, but if it’s anything like GTA Vice City (it is), then it DEFINITELY deserves to be in the top five.
Honestly though, it’s so unique compared to the other cities on this list. The beach. The vibes. Some people even have an argument for why it’s the best city in America.
P.S. - In addition to GTA Vice City, I can’t stress enough how much David Caruso and CSI Miami impacted my mental image of Miami.
3. Brooklyn, New York (Nets)
I’ve been to New York many times, but not totally sure if I ever went to Brooklyn. Actually, I think I went to a Junior’s in Brooklyn to eat cheesecake! And cheesecake is easily enough to keep Brooklyn at #3.
Much like Portland, Brooklyn is just cool, and everyone knows it. This is the land of coffee and Zoe Kravitz. It’s third.
2. Toronto, Canada (Raptors)
I want to go to Toronto so bad. It’s hard to find anyone who has anything bad to say about it (my cousin described it as: a better Chicago).
What makes Toronto so cool? The architecture? The food? The most popular rapper in the world and maybe all time? (I’m talking about Drake, Greg)
I need to go to Toronto.
In this case, it’s more about the seductive nature of the city that has it ranked second. But honestly, it could easily go #1. Toronto is the Kevin Durant of cities.
1. Los Angeles (Lakers, Clippers)
LA isn’t for everybody. Especially if you have a fear of driving. Or a fear of tacos :))))))
That’s a bad joke! But look, I spent an entire summer in LA 6 years ago. I didn’t see one cloud. Every person I met was filled with blind optimism. No one was truly themselves. No one who lives there is even from there.
I dunno. I think I’ve run out of gas at this point. But LA just has a little somethin’ somethin’ that these other cities don’t.
Maybe it’s drugs?
Moondog’s Movieboat
The movieboat is a magical boat ride filled with all of the extremely useful information that populates my brain.
I’m starting to realize that I probably have attention-deficit disorder, and sometimes I really need to spill some shit out of my noggin. So, let me know if there’s anything specifically that you want to hear about. I might ignore it, though!
If you’ve made it this far, send me the purple horned devil emoji!
Moondog