Tenet is the only movie that exists anymore. Don’t try to understand it. Just feel it.
After premiering in the US over Labor Day weekend, Tenet has puttered along to a $45m domestic opening over 4 weeks. By and large- the American release of Tenet has been a colossal failure.
In fact, it bombed so bad, that over these past couple of weeks we’ve been seeing a domino effect of blockbuster movies push back their release dates further and further. Here are just a few of the notable movies that we won’t be seeing any time soon:
My sweet, sweet No Time to Die
Avatar 2
Black Widow
Eternals
West Side Story
Wonder Woman 1984
and literally just announced WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS: Dune!
But is the American government’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic totally to blame for all of this?
Hell yea, you better believe it, brother!!!
But I’m here to play devil’s advocate. It’s actually not Donald Trump’s fault that Tenet bombed. It’s Christopher Nolan’s.
And that’s because Tenet isn’t very good!
Well… it’s pretty good.
Actually, it’s badass. But also, it sucks?
For one thing- there’s basically no way to have a comprehensible conversation about Tenet, because Tenet makes no sense.
There’s also no way for the movie gain popularity through word of mouth- because there’s nothing to say.
The sound mixing renders all of the dialogue in the film useless.
And there’s nothing to spoil about the plot, because you can’t understand anything that happens.
(Don’t worry, Greg, this review is spoiler free. Actually, technically it’s not. But it makes no difference either way! Any detail pertaining to the plot makes zero sense without context.)
However, there is one shining light who appeared to decipher my thoughts on Tenet. And her name is Ofosuwaa.
Ofosuwaa the transcriber
A couple of weeks ago I risked my life (and Allie’s life) to go see Tenet. Somehow, I even convinced Lance to go see it with Makinzie too.
Some backstory- Lance and I usually go play soccer once a week. Last Thursday on the pitch, Lance asked me, “Can we talk about Tenet tho?” I said yes, of course, but give me one second. I ran over to my gym bag, pulled out my phone, opened up Voice Memo, and started recording.
What ensued over the next 30-minutes was me and Lance talking about Tenet while we put up savage shots on goal! The grind never stops!
Anyway, thanks to the internet, I took my 30-minute conversation to a little website called Fiverr. Fiverr is a database for freelancers to put themselves online to perform any service that you need (video editors, graphic designers, voiceover artists, etc.).
In my case, I needed a transcriber to type out me and Lance’s Tenet review!
I found a woman named Ofosuwaa who agreed to transcribe our conversation for $7. Yep, you read that right. 7 bucks. She came back with my order in less than 24 hours, and I tipped her $5!
I don’t really know how she did it, because the wind was so strong that you can barely hear anything. And to make matters worse, Lance and I were frequently running around and playing soccer DURING the review, so we fluctuate between 5-feet apart and a good 35-feet apart. And again, we’re putting up savage shots on goal the entire time. So this was a near impossible task. But god dammit, she did it.
So, here it is. Our review:
The set-up
Mitch: Test, test… you were saying?
(Lance laughs)
Lance: I almost lol’d in the theater at one point because Kinzie leaned over to me and she was like, I can really use subtitles on this one.
Mitch: That’s what I was saying!
Lance: We were following it the best we could. But then all sudden, like, things started to really get out of control and then it was like, what is happening? And then it was the fact too like, halfway through… We didn't realize we had missed the name of the main character.
(Mitch laughs)
Lance: Because like we were trying to describe the character, but we only knew the actor’s name…
(Mitch realizes that Lance clearly doesn’t remember the actor’s name, fuckin racist…)
Mitch: John David Washington
Lance: Yeah!
(At this point, there are 2 young girls who are inching closer and closer to our goal on the soccer field.)
Lance: (pointing to the girls) It seems like they’re on our side now…
Mitch: I don’t know. Are they with them? (pointing to the girls’ soccer team practicing on the other side of the field)
Lance: I think so. I think they are. I don’t know… But yeah, we kept like, we were trying to, like, talk back and forth to like, figure out what was going on. And so…
Mitch: Were you talking during the movie?
Lance: Yeah, about halfway through. Kinzie, like leaned over and was like, are you lost? Do you know what’s going on? And I was like, sort of? Because like, I kind of understood the concept that they’re getting at… But the fact that he was like, “The Protagonist,” that was his name. They never really like had a name for him and we were just like… We thought we missed it at first, and we both felt bad because it was like, what is this?
Mitch: Yeah. I don't even, I didn't really catch anyone's name to be honest.
Lance: Yeah, we knew some… I don't know it now but we knew a few here and there but…
(Now not only are there little girls overtaking our soccer goal, but 2 little boys who don’t give a FUCK about our existence. So we start walking to another soccer field.)
Mitch loved the ending
Mitch: What did Makinzie think overall? Especially because she's a big Inception fan.
Lance: I think she liked it. Her big thing afterward was wanting to watch a lot of like YouTube videos to explain it to her.
Mitch: Oh, yeah.
Lance: Specifically the timeline, because she didn't quite understand like, who was going forward and who was going backwards and how did Rob Pat know John David Washington's character and…
Mitch: Oh so, she didn't get the ending?
Lance: No, she was like kind of confused on how they knew each other and how he said that they knew each other for years.
Mitch: Oh, see I thought they actually explained that pretty well.
Lance: Yeah, Kinzie was a little lost on that.
Mitch: Because- that was kind of my takeaway. If they didn't nail the ending, then I would have just said fuck this movie! But actually I really liked the ending. It was a very like, optimistic and mysterious conversation at the end. Because it's the Chris Nolan thing where you’re kind of figuring it out as he's telling you. When John David Washington was like, “they didn't hire you” or I can't remember exactly what he said… But you basically find out that John David Washington hired Robert Pattinson on this job.
Lance: Yeah.
Mitch: He hired him in the future. Because it makes sense that John David Washington doesn't know now. But in the future, he's like, you got to go back and do this. And then did you catch on to the backpack thing at the very end? Remember, he turned and he had the backpack charm? Because I guess at the very beginning in the auditorium shooting scene, one of the mask guys has the backpack that Rob Pattinson has. So that was like him the whole time in the movie. I don't know, I liked the ending a lot.
Lance: But no, yeah, I thought the ending was good.
Mitch: And, like basically set up a sequel! (Mitch laughs) With like, Aaron Taylor Johnson for some reason.
A mix of James Bond and Metal Gear Solid
(Mitch booms a ball over the crossbar)
Mitch: Not even close.
Lance: And just like, they’re doing the exposition on explaining like the mission. John David Washington asks a question and the guy just like shuts up a stupid kind of answer. Like you should understand this. So, like as an audience member it’s like, am I dumb? Am I not tracking this? It could have been a great movie.
(Mitch laughs)
Lance: So, what’s your highlight from Tenet? The chase scene?
Mitch: Yeah, for sure. Because I think that was the scene. As they were filming it and editing it. They're like, you know what? It's like I was saying it's like an acid trip. Or it's like- that was the scene that the drugs kicked in. And they're like, from here on out, it’s just vibes. Because I wasn't really getting the Bond movie vibe, other than the set piece with the plane and the art shit. And they had to crash the plane.
Lance: Oh yeah.
Mitch: That was kind of Bond-y, but like, I didn't really get that vibe until the final scene of the movie, really. But, uh, what did you think of my Metal Gear Solid reference? You get what I was saying?
Lance: Yeah. I feel like the birth of the movie was him like waking up from like, an acid trip or something. And being like, I had a vision of a building exploding, and then coming back together and then exploding again. And like, I want to make a movie based on that. Because I feel like that was like the visual to me that I was just like, well, I've never seen anything like that before.
Mitch: Yeah.
Lance: Like you know in Metal Gear, there's that kid in a straight jacket that’s flaming. And I know there was some background on him and previous games. But that was the first time I saw that character. I was like who even is this?
Mitch: Honestly, I didn't even get that until I played Metal Gear Solid 1. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute. And then I googled it.
Lance: Yeah. Especially that being our first game. I had no idea.
Mitch: Hold on a second.
(Mitch plays a horrible pass to Lance)
Mitch: That pass. It wasn’t a good pass.
Lance: Yeah, I think like in Metal Gear where they’re trying to have explanations… all these like things they tried to explain, but like, it doesn't really matter.
Mitch: Yeah exactly!
Lance: In the end, I was having a ton of fun. I loved every mission. But all in all, that was a blast and I don't think it matters. If you…
Mitch: If you understood every little thing.
Lance: Yeah.
Mitch: Because I'm sure Kojima knew what he was doing. But like- it's kind of up to you whether you want to understand it or not.
Lance: Now is it an all-time movie? I don't think so.
Mitch: It might be though! You said how many times that you just want to see it again. I think he kind of just wanted to make his type of action movie that can just kind of live on cable forever.
Lance: Yeah. Like grandpa's will just like sit and watch in their chairs forever.
Mitch: Yeah, or like us. We're the grandpas. We’ll be like, remember the year 2020 when this was like the only movie that came out?
Robert Pattinson
Lance: I think there were like so many positives from it. Like solidifying Rob Pat as like, Batman.
Mitch: So hot dude. He was amazing.
Lance: Anytime he was on screen it was like, exactly like what you said…
Mitch: What I was saying about his screen presence.
Lance: We were just like…
Mitch: Drooling.
Lance: I mean, he might as well have been like the main character because like, John David Washington…
Mitch: John David Washington was super good in the kitchen fight scene, where he's kicking that guy's ass.
Lance: That was very Bond-esque, I thought.
Mitch: Yeah. And plus, John David Washington was like a football player. So, he's like, just athletic. Yeah, physically. So that scene I was like, oh, fuck yeah. Like, I don't think Rob Pattinson would be as good at doing that. But in terms of like, charming the pants off everyone in the movie and in the theater.
Lance: Amazing
Mitch: Yeah, dude. He's great. And he's a great actor, honestly. Like, Tenet confirmed it. Like if you were on the fence about Rob Pat, not only as Batman, but just as like a non-Twilight movie star… he's the real fucking deal. He's part of the reason I like the last scene. He was very charming.
Lance: Yeah.
Mitch: And at the end he’s like, “this is the start of a long journey.” It was so like, fucking like Michael Caine. Or, like a jolly like British man. Like, kicking off like a franchise?
Lance: Yeah. He literally was like my guiding light, holding my hand throughout that entire movie. Whereas if like I didn’t understand it, it’s like oh, where is Rob Pattison fill me in? Put his arms around me and tell me what's happening.
(Lance booms a ball so fucking far away from the goal)
Mitch: Jesus.
Did you have to go to the bathroom at all?
Lance: I did once.
Mitch: Yeah, I did too.
The soundtrack
Lance: I really want to see it with subtitles.
Mitch: I feel that type of loud spectacle of it was so much part of the movie, though. Like the car chase that I loved… I remember the score was just like, there was like a guitar and I was just like, holy shit. This is like…
Lance: What is happening.
Mitch: Like if Inception is kind of him doing like a Steven Spielberg big blockbuster popcorn flick… That car scene was like the heavy metal version of like… heavy metal acid trip drugs. And I liked that about it! Also, his ego is fucking huge.
Lance: Giant, giant ego.
Pepe Silvia
Mitch: Can you imagine like showing that movie for the first time to the executives and they're like, okay, this is three hours and it makes no sense and I can't hear a word of dialogue? But Chris Nolan is so respected that he's like, you can't change anything. This is it. It’s like fuck you.
Lance: I was thinking through like Chris Nolan talking to the editors and being like, I picture him being that meme of Charlie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where he has all the strings and everything and he's trying to...
Mitch: Pepe Silvia.
Lance: That’s like Nolan going to the editor trying to explain what's in reverse and what's not.
Mitch: I thought about that, too. I was like, this is an impossible movie to edit. Like who edited this movie?
(Lance hits a sick shot)
Mitch: Let’s fucking go!
In conclusion
Lance: I think all in all, I think Tenet was great. I thought, I think it was like a wild ride. I enjoyed it.
Mitch: How does it sit in your memory? Based on how you felt leaving the theater and how you feel now.
Lance: If I were to compare it to Inception? Yeah. I feel very different. Inception had me like, like picking my brain up off the floor. Yeah. And this movie somehow was like, easier to grasp, even though I didn't understand it.
Mitch: Exactly. Yeah. It's somehow easier to follow, but also makes no sense. (Mitch and Lance laugh) It's almost like, the jig is up with Chris Nolan. And it's like, easier to see what he's doing.
Lance: Yeah.
Mitch: But also, it's either: not as good of a story as he thinks it is… or he's not as good at telling the story as he thinks he is… or he just doesn't care about telling the story as much as he used to. And he’s sick of audiences trying to like, label him as one thing. So, he's like, fuck it. Either you follow it or you don't. This is what I want to make now. And if it's too weird for you, I don't care anymore.
Lance: I think you're right.
Mitch: It's almost like he's saying like: Fuck Inception and my Batman movies. But also… here's my version of a James Bond movie.
Lance: Yeah, yeah, I think you got a good point. I think pieces of it were really brilliant. I think there were some pieces that like maybe audiences don't fully understand yet. Maybe it'll get better with time.
Mitch: Maybe it'll get worse!
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Moondog